A Step-by-Step Guide to Release You From Fear’s Grip
Don’t let fear stop your growth and kill your dreams.
I think we can all agree, 2020 has brought a dizzying number of changes into our lives. We’re finding new ways to adapt to this post-lockdown world. Some aren’t so bad (increased family time and better hand-washing), however, its dark side has ushered in uncertainty and cemented a paralyzing fear of the unknown for some.
I know from experience that illogical fear can be debilitating. I’ve worked through my own phobias over the years (fear of elevators, public speaking, and most poignantly, raising a son with Down Syndrome). I know how fear can stop our growth and kill our dreams. To completely eradicate fear, we first need to understand and identify which fears can be helpful and which are not.
First, let’s identify “healthy” and “real” fears.
Healthy fear typically manifests as a visceral, instinctual response to a physical threat. We need this type of fear for our survival and protection. For example, if you are standing on a high ledge, healthy fear kicks in and cautions you to step back. It keeps you safe. Listen to that inner voice; it will not lead you astray.
Real fears are unavoidable. We all worry about not achieving our dreams. We fear losing the people we love most. Can these fears consume us? It depends on how you frame them. If you fear losing people you love, put your energy toward being completely engaged when spending time with them. Fully appreciate that they are here now. Real fear cannot be eliminated, but we can transform it into something empowering.
Let’s talk about illogical fears. These are the worries that keep you awake at night and hijack your daytime thoughts. Are you terrified of spiders? Heights? Cockroaches? Do you avoid driving on freeways? Imagine what your life would be like if this fear was eliminated. Here’s an exercise to work through those dark thoughts. They worked for me. They can work for you, too.
Name Your Fear
Think about the fears in your life. Identify your most prominent, illogical fear, and build an action plan to eliminate it. Consider how your life, relationships, or specific experiences would change if this fear were removed. Got it? You’re ready for your next step.
Diminish Your Fear
Now that you’ve identified your fear, recognize it when it pops into your head. Instead of panicking, stop and ask, “Why am I thinking about this in a fearful way?” Look at that fear with skepticism and curiosity. Is it really real?
Disarm It
Taking small steps to disarm our phobia may seem like shoveling snow with a spoon. But, little by little, they add up to regaining control of your thoughts.
For instance, if you have an upcoming flight but hate to fly, download a few meditations and practice them before you go to the airport. By doing this, you’re creating a space in your mind you can easily access when fear arises, and from that place of calm, you can reassure yourself.
Create a Mantra
Turn your fear into an affirmative mantra. Let’s say the local Rotary Club asked you to address the members at their next meeting. Avoid negative self-talk and, instead, create an affirmative mantra: “I am fully prepared. Everything I have to say is helpful, well-founded, and something I believe in. I will appear cool, calm, and confident.” Don’t let negative self-talk limit your potential for greatness.
Now that you have awareness and some tools, it’s time to put them into action.
Step One: Put Aside Time in the Morning
Take some time to think about your fears and facing them in the morning when you are fresh and motivated. It has been scientifically proven that our willpower and psychological stamina are at their strongest in the morning and wane throughout the day. This is why for anyone who has ever dieted (which is basically everyone), it is so easy to choose a smoothie for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and then make an unhealthy choice around dinnertime.
Step Two: Challenge Fear-Based Thoughts
Let’s say you have a debilitating fear of flying. Think about hopping a plane to visit loved ones. Visualize the terminal, security lines, and boarding. You may begin to feel your chest tighten or your breath quicken because you’re certain the flight will end in a disaster. Ask yourself:
What contradicts this thought? At any time in the United States, more than 60,000 people are in the air. They leave and arrive safely every day. You will too.
Identify if this thought is fear-based. Is there evidence that what you fear will happen? Statistically, you are much safer traveling by plane.
What would your life look like if you didn’t feed the fear? What new experiences would you be able to have?
Challenging your thoughts in this way gets to the root of the fear and destroys it. If your fears have nowhere to grow, eventually, they will die.
Step Three: Exposure
In order to overcome your fears, you must confront them. But do this in small doses. Taking on too much, too quickly, can backfire.
Let’s say you have a fear of stepping outside your home. Gradual exposure can look like this:
Look outside your open window.
Open the front door and stand outside on your porch.
Walk to the sidewalk.
Walk over to your neighbor’s house.
Walk to the corner of your block.
Walk around your block.
Identifying and working with fear is like exercising a muscle for the first time: it might feel unnatural, but soon you’ll look forward to it. These steps worked for me. Using these thoughts and tools, I can now step into an elevator without a second thought. I thoroughly enjoy publicly speaking and feel alive when I do it. Most importantly, I learned to tackle my fear of raising a son with a disability. I began to recognize and celebrate the unique gifts he brings to our family and how he has helped me become a more evolved human being.
I’m free. Now it’s your turn.
“
Turn your fear into an affirmative mantra.
”
—Monica Berg, International Speaker, Spiritual Thought Leader, and Chief Communications Officer of the Kabbalah Centre
About the Author: Monica Berg is an international speaker, spiritual thought leader, and chief communications officer of the Kabbalah Centre. She is the author of “Fear is Not an Option” and “Rethink Love.” She is also the host of the podcast “Spiritually Hungry.” A self-proclaimed “change junkie,” Monica is a fresh voice that channels her many years of Kabbalah study along with personal life experiences. Monica shows individuals how to create a life that not only feels like it’s working but most importantly, a life in which they are living and loving as the powerful, fulfilled person they’ve always wanted to be.
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How Your Own Language Can Make or Break 2019
Your language is as on purpose as your success.
Language is powerful. As we enter 2019, would you believe that the outcome of your year may ultimately reflect the words you use to describe your experiences throughout it? As many people set goals and become more mindful of their habits, there’s no better time to make a conscious effort to become more aware of your language.
Words were my first love. Now, as a communications professional, they are the foundation of my professional living. As I’ve spent time around other entrepreneurs and successful business people, I’ve become aware of a common thread among them: their language is as on purpose as their success.
Consider making these three changes to begin experiencing the benefits of an immediate, more positive perspective and, ultimately, a more successful life.
“Have to” versus “get to”
How often do you hear colleagues talk about how they have to complete a project by a certain deadline or they have to get to work early for a big meeting? While the reality of those circumstances may be true, their characterization is disempowering.
Instead, imagine if your colleague said that they get to do those things. This phrasing reframes the commitments as opportunities instead of chores. Beyond changing the way other people experience the description of your obligations, it also reinforces a more positive perspective about your own commitments. The effect of this change is that you become more grateful for the plans you have, making them more enjoyable, instead of feeling burdened by tasks.
“Should” versus “will” versus “excited to”
The word “should” implies that the action is unlikely to happen and lacks urgency and significance. “I should start writing that book,” or “I should ask for a promotion” begins to sound like you’re giving yourself a pass to forego the leap between action and outcome. Changing “should” to “will” immediately conveys commitment and a stronger belief in yourself and from others that you’ll follow through.
Want to take it step further? Add a word that describes how you want the action to make you feel, and you’ll set yourself up to experience it that way. “I’m excited to have this conversation with my boss,” or “I’m grateful to have been chosen for this assignment.” Immediately, you’re in a position to feel the way you’ve described.
“Challenge” versus “opportunity”
What if the situations that most challenge you are actually opportunities for betterment? A business owner may be challenged when an employee leaves to pursue a new opportunity, and the inclination may be to simmer in frustration or feel daunted by the process of filling the role.
But what if this change is an opportunity to bring on someone with fresh ideas who’s even better equipped to support your work and grow your business? If you believe that’s the case, you’re more likely to focus on and find the person that meets those expectations. By changing the language you use, you can adjust your vantage point on a challenging situation and gain more control over the outcome.
This year, challenge yourself to make an intentional choice to find opportunities for growth and positive momentum that can result from encountering difficult situations. Making these changes may not come naturally at first and will take practice. Like any goal, the key is to stick with it.
After all, the outcome may depend on it.
Julia Bonner is the founder and president of Pierce Public Relations, a national public relations agency that helps individuals and brands accomplish their business goals through strategic PR programs. She frequently writes about communication, leadership and personal branding and has been published in outlets such as Fast Company, The Muse and The Nashville Business Journal.
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12 Questions to Ask Yourself to Unearth Your Life's Mission
Turn your passion into purpose.
"What’s your overall goal?”
It's the first question I ask any entrepreneur, client, friend, (just about anyone) who is in the midst of a career transition or looking to start or grow a venture. I follow it up with, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Life-wise.” The question is basic and BIG.
But answering that question, or at the very least attempting to answer that question, creates clarity; crystal clear or not, it's an important step in the right direction to figuring out Life with a capital "L." And guess what? Your business is part of that Life. So before nailing down a business mission, start with your life goals.
You don’t have to have the destination 100% set (if you do, awesome) but you do need a map so that when you get lost or head down a path less traveled and find yourself in parts unknown (which, is inevitable and healthy) you have a map to consult--to help you redirect and continue on.
Answer these 12 BIG LIFE questions and you'll find that in the process you'll get further clarity on your business mission as well.
1. Visualize yourself in 10 years. What do you see for yourself? What/who do you see yourself surrounded with? What do you see yourself doing?
2. What do you feel the most fearful of right now?
3. What are you willing to sacrifice to stay true to you? What are you okay saying “no” to?
4. What areas of your life are humming?
5. What areas of your life do you want to make changes in?
6. What do you wish you were doing more of that makes you happy?
7. What kinds of problems do you enjoy solving the most?
8. What about you makes you uniquely you?
9. What are your values?
10. Who are some other people in your life that you admire? Why?
11.What are some commonalities in the people that you are drawn to?
12. What aspects of who you are do people find energizing?
Alison Gilbert is a business coach and consultant. She’s helped over a dozen owners and entrepreneurs grow profitable businesses quickly and efficiently, including such companies as Well+Good, Levo League, Maiyet and Plum Alley. Prior to building her consultancy she was hire number four and COO of food media company Tasting Table where she grew it into a forty person team reaching a readership of millions. Visit her site and schedule a free consultation.
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I'm Good With Whatever: The High Price of People Pleasing
Whatever's not working.
Photo credit: Arielle Vey
I’m good with whatever. This phrase has been a mantra for the majority of my life. When I am at my best, I can be adaptable, spontaneous, and free-spirited. At my worst, I am a relentless people pleaser.
In my work as a counselor, few clients come to me with the primary goal of working on their people pleasing. And yet, I see its fingerprints on the lives of nearly every woman I work with. On the surface, it often presents itself as a fog of emotional fatigue resulting from the constant work of balancing the needs, wants, and expectations of others. It fuels many struggles with depression and anxiety. It colors relationships with underlying bitterness and resentment.
At its core, people pleasing is rooted in fear. We worry about how our choices might impact or inconvenience others. Instead of asking the people in our lives for what we need and desire, we say no for them. We find ourselves settling for a role as a background character in others’ stories because we’re scared — often for good reason — to show up in our own.
My people pleasing journey began early. Like many young children of divorce, I entered elementary school with an extra dose of insecurity. To top it off, I was a super sensitive kid who did not cope well with even the mildest disapproval or casual mistake. Classrooms and playgrounds provided the perfect environment for me to hone the skill of perception management to avoid that stinging shame.
"We find ourselves settling for a role as a background character in others’ stories because we’re scared."
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Today, my husband has most often been the recipient of my people pleasing efforts — which has only intensified since becoming parents. He works hard, is a wonderful, attentive father to our two little boys, and carries a big chunk of the household duties which keep our world functional.
When he checks in with me about doing things during a morning, evening, or weekend — going for a run, meeting up with some guy friends, getting some extra work done — I almost always say yes. No problem. I’m good with whatever.
Throughout the decade we’ve been married, I’ve begun to notice a pattern. It most often begins with feeling anxious and overwhelmed by the “Have-Tos” of life. I then respond by checking out emotionally when it all just feels like too much. This typically follows with passive-aggressive behavior, complaining, and — every once in a while —rounds out with a nice, tear-filled breakdown in which I spew blame upon my poor husband.
We recently had a conversation in which I bemoaned the lack of relational connection in my life. As I processed this, I found myself saying, I would have more time for friends in my life if YOU didn’t spend all of our free time running, working, and spending time with your friends.
The second these words escaped my mouth, I knew just how wrong I was. It wasn’t his fault. I was bitter that he had the courage and the forethought to ask for what he needed and wanted and I didn’t.
What I discovered was this — my knee-jerk yeses and whatevers often become excuses to not take ownership of my own life. Managing the expectations and anticipating the needs of others is a full-time job that has robbed me of a full life and meaningful relationships. It’s too high a price to pay.
"Managing the expectations and anticipating the needs of others is a full-time job."
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I also have learned that self-care isn’t enough. While I’m all for a good bubble bath and glass of wine, I think what we people pleasers need most is a supportive shove. We need people in our lives who will cheer us on as we commit ourselves to some of those things we always say we’d do if we had more time. We need to be held accountable to making space for those dreams that perpetually remain on the back burner. The fact that you are reading these words today is the result of a handful of people who have lovingly pushed me to take a risk.
The truth is, the people in our world will gain far more from our courage to live with authenticity and purpose than they would ever receive from our mere accommodation and fear of disappointing them.
It’s time to be done with someday. It’s time for the world to stop missing out on us. Let’s make some waves today.
Is people pleasing an issue for you? What do you think is at the root of it?
An original version of this article appeared on Darling Magazine. Written by Melissa Brownback.
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Talk to You: The Benefits of Talking to Yourself in Third Person
Flower crown optional.
The official name of someone who refers to herself in third person is an illeist. Most famous illeists are men. The Rock. Bob Dole. Elmo. Which is definitely cute. Case in point: Little kids do it all the time. “Andy wants a cookie.” “Maya wants to watch TV.” And little kids, as some of you know, are the best negotiators. They win all the time.
So why don’t women do it? Ellen Degeneres makes a pretty hilarious a case against illeism here.
But there is a difference between talking to yourself in third person in FRONT of other people (which, granted, is super annoying) and talking to yourself about yourself.
In fact, it can help you gain a psychological edge. Here’s how:
IT CAN RELIEVE STRESS
During difficult situations, talking to yourself in third person can actually help calm you down.
According to a recent study published in the journal Scientific Reports, talking about yourself to yourself is a way to make that internal monologue useful.
The study explains, “Although people frequently engage in such ‘self-talk,’ recent findings indicate that the language they use to refer to the self when they engage in this process influences self-control. Specifically, using one’s own name to refer to the self during introspection, rather than the first-person pronoun ‘I,’ increases peoples’ ability to control their thoughts, feelings, and behavior under stress.”
Check out the science of it all here.
SELF-DISTANCING CAN BE USEFUL WHEN YOU’RE IN A TRICKY WORK SITCH
Let’s say you’re about to explode on your co-worker. You’re stuck in your office and you have no one to talk to. The psychological strategy called “self-distancing” is known to help us better control our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Instead of lashing out and doing damage to your career, you take a step back, and therefore hopefully, a step forward.
Getting frustrated in the workplace is incredibly common. Reports have found that only 16 percent of workers feel connected and engaged. Low engagement leads to high frustration and workplace unhappiness.
"Talking to yourself in third person as the verbal equivalent of taking a walk."
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Think of talking to yourself in third person as the verbal equivalent of taking a walk, when a walk around the block isn’t possible.
REDUCED ANXIETY=REDUCED ANXIETY. NEED MORE?
Those pep talks you give yourself in the morning? Do it in third person, with either your own name or a pronoun like “you,” “he/she.”
Or do it before you're about to step into a big presentation to calm your jitters. Practice and see what happens to your nerves when you make the switch.
Think:
"I can do this. I know this material and I'm ready to go in and show them."
vs.
"You can do this. You know this material and you're ready to go in and show them."
In the third person example you become your best friend. The person who is there to cheer you on. When you can't believe in yourself, let third person you do it for you. And it's not only the Rock and Bob Dole who've practiced this art. Famous male athletes do it all the time. And while we don't suggest taking it as far as LeBron James (another famoua illeist) or Pele ("Nobody did what Pele did. Being champion of the world at 17 years old, won three World Cups, scored more than 1,208 goals - only him!" said Pele of Pele. "Then until now, nobody did this... to me, Pele is the best.") there is something to be said of the confidence this takes.
We are typically better at pumping up others and relieving their anxiety. So ladies, let's agree, it's not just for men and puppets. It's time we turn the pump up third person self-talk on ourselves.
Arianna would love for this to happen.
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5 Super Inspiring Women Share Their Need-to-Read Mottos
Purely positive and kickass.
photo credit: We the People
Are you looking for a some weekend inspo to help you kickass at business and life? We rounded up five our favorite ladies' mottos and words to live by.
TONI KO, Founder NYX & Perverse
Starting a business as a 25-year old minority female without any experience running a company was a huge risk in itself. My life motto has always been, “Go big or go home,” closely followed by “do or die.” A lot of the time, I just go for it! I purposely put myself in situations that force me to face my fears, and by doing so, I’m forced to deal with the repercussions, the founder told Career Contessa.
My father always said he wanted to raise his children “Spartan Style,” where only the strongest survive. He definitely succeeded. I am an extremely mentally and emotionally strong woman who isn’t afraid to take risks. I truly believe that taking risks is the only way to grow as an individual.
MAYA ANGELOU, POET
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.
TINA FEY, WRITER, ACTRESS, PRODUCER
“When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: ‘Is this person in between me and what I want to do?’ If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.” via Bossypants
GRETCHEN CARLON, former FOX NEWS ANCHOR
The lesson in the dream isn’t whether our fight to get to the top is for something big or small. It’s to realize that a good, happy life isn’t just handed to us. We need to work for it. We need to strap on the heavy bags and take the first step forward in the long journey up the mountain. Yes, we’ll all sweat, complain and wish we were somewhere else (maybe on that beach in Nice…). But we’ll also develop the strength to say: “I’ll make it to the top — no matter what.” via Motto
JANET MOCK, AUTHOR
"For me, it’s always been Maya Angelou. Her work, her memoirs, have always been building blocks for me. She’s also been a blueprint to go out and say that #1: My life story is worthy of being heard, #2: I can write it myself, I don’t have to give it to someone else, and #3: There’s more than one book about my life experiences and yes, you can be a memoirist and you can do it in a literary form that is also accessible. She was super important to me." via Medium
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An Honest Look Into the Brand That Is Jessica Alba
The modern multi-hyphenate gives us 5 amazing pieces of advice.
Jessica Alba has been acting since the age of 12 and when her needs as a modern parent and conscious consumer weren’t being met she set out to create a solution. Founder of The Honest Company— a lifestyle brand that started as an online subscription business featuring safe and effective baby, personal care, home care, vitamins and supplements cleaners (10+ products), the line is now sold in over 6,000 locations, including Target and Whole Foods. She also recently launched Honesty Beauty, a comprehensive collection of high-performance skincare and makeup products, backed by the company’s Honestly Free Guarantee that all products are made without questionable or potentially harmful ingredients. She’s on a mission and is the modern version of a multi-hyphenate.
Here are 5 of our favorite lessons from the amazing honestprenuer.
1. WE CALL THEM MOTIV-HATERS
If someone is throwing shade your way because they don’t think you’re experienced enough, or know what you’re doing, use it to your advantage. Listen to Jessica when she says: “It’s hard for people to take anyone seriously who’s never done this before. But that just gave me fire to move forward.” You get to choose whether being underestimated is an obstacle or a motivation.
2. CHANGE BRINGS OPPORTUNITY
Continue to evolve as a brand and a person, it’s something the mom and business woman (and New York Times-bestselling author) knows well: “Every five years I feel like I’m a completely different person.” Most successful entrepreneurs have the ability to be fluid. It’s an attitude that helps them be the change agent from within their organization or business, and out into the world.
3. MANIFEST YOUR OWN SUCCESS
If you want something done, you go out and do it yourself. Even before Honest, Jessica has always been a proponent of creating her career. “I always wanted to be a big action star, to be as relevant as men. I was very aggressive with the vision and manifesting it.” Jessica has told the story many times of how the company got its start. In 2008 she was pregnant with her first child, daughter Honor, looking to find a solution to what she (and many other frustrated parents) saw as a lack in the market. She couldn’t find one brand with all of the safe and effective products she wanted to bring into her home, so she created it.
4. OVERCOMING DOUBT IS PART OF THE WORK
A lot of entrepreneurs talk about blind faith, but even with that faith, their ideas, strategies, and beliefs are tested. And the more successful you become, the more challenges you will face. Belief in your strengths--and knowing your weaknesses--will bolster you when the going really gets tough. Jessica says, “I believed that there was a real opportunity for my idea, but I had to get over my own anxiety about not having the typical business trajectory or schooling and I had to stay focused on the end goal. If you are constantly looking to the left or to the right, you are never going to get to the finish line. Regardless of your obstacles, the challenges you overcame to get to the finish line are going to make you stronger. Find confidence in your journey and don't be held back by your obstacles. And don’t let your failures define you, they actually prepare you for the next step."
"If you are constantly looking to the left or to the right, you are never going to get to the finish line."
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5. WORK HARD, WORK SMART, WORK UNTIL...
We’ve said it once, we’ll say it again. Time spent does not equal success, but successful people put the work in and aren’t afraid to commit to their dream heart and soul. Jessica says, "Don't be afraid to try it. You only have this one life to go out there and do what you can."
Arianna Schioldager is Create & Cultivate's editorial direction. You can find her on IG @ariannawrotethis and more about her on this site she never updates www.ariannawrotethis.com
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