Advice, Life, We Need to Talk Chelsea Evers Advice, Life, We Need to Talk Chelsea Evers

4 Steps to Do Away With That Pesky Five-Year Plan

It’s OK not to have your entire life mapped out.

Photo: Neemias Seara from Pexels

Photo: Neemias Seara from Pexels

As the bartender made his way over with four birthday shots in hand my friend looked at me and said, “Chels, I don’t want to turn 26.”

At first, I thought it was a bad attempt at making a joke but the look in her eyes told me she was actually being serious. I gave her the biggest hug as I tried to wash away the confused feeling in my chest. Despite having a passionate budding career under her belt, a loving man by her side, and the greatest friends behind her, she still felt that she wasn’t exactly where she “needed” to be.

As we raised our glasses in honor of the birthday girl, I found myself distracted by the elephant in the room that apparently now comes with turning a year older. Instead of celebrating it with arms wide open, society has cast a spell over us saying if we don’t have x, y, and z by the time we blow out a certain amount of candles, then we must be doing something wrong. We then proceed to beat ourselves up and never take a moment to stop and realize that possibly, we are doing everything right.

Let me ask you this, have you ever been the person who thought you could actually plan out your entire life?

Half of you are currently laughing at me while the other half know exactly what I’m talking about. If you fall into the latter category, you aren’t alone. I am completely guilty of being the college senior who sat at her desk and wrote out a five-year plan. I put my heart and soul into that color-coded timeline, so it may come as a surprise when I say that I am forever thankful that the plan on that piece of paper never became my reality. The person I loved, the city I wanted to call home, and the job I strived to land were all meant for the girl who I was then, not the woman I am now.

Here are a few steps you can take to say goodbye to the dreaded five-year plan.

1. DON'T DRAFT A TIMELINE BASED ON SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE

As cliché, as it may sound, playing the comparison game, will only lead you to a dead end. Comparisons can either make you feel superior or inferior and neither of those feelings serves a useful purpose. Write your own story, learn from your own experiences, and live your life through your eyes.

chelsea briche.jpg

2. EVALUATE YOUR GOALS

Saying goodbye to the five-year plan does not mean you should wash away your goals! Instead, use this as a chance to check in with your personal and professional goals and know that it is absolutely OK to tweak them if you see fit to do so.

3. BE NICE TO YOURSELF 

When you are your own best friend, you don’t seek out validation from others, because you realize that the only approval you need is your own.  This is your life and your journey and once you recognize the value to that then no one, not even a “plan,” can get in the way of your happiness.

Chelsea Briche

4. WELCOME NEW OPPORTUNITIES

Since life doesn’t always go according to plan, being able to welcome new opportunities with open arms is key. How silly would it be to close the door on an opportunity just because it wasn’t color-coded on a piece of paper you drafted up three years ago? Don’t sell yourself short out of fear of not sticking to your five-year plan—learn to ride the wave of life with a smile on your face and motivation in your heart.

Life is going to take a different path for every single one of us, so constantly comparing your journey to someone else’s will only hinder you from making the moves that are meant for your life. Just because your best friend is engaged, your roommate landed her dream job, or your younger sister purchased a house with the white picket fence all before you did does not mean that you are screwing up. With each new day and each year that you are lucky enough to blow out another candle, know that this is your life to live and your journey is uniquely beautiful.

Keep dreaming, keep loving, and as always, just keep swimming.



Chelsea Briche runs the popular blog The Millennial Miss. A platform for young women surviving their twenties with grace and a lot of humility. The platform is Chelsea's "pledge to you, the ones who haven’t quite figured it all out yet. That we, together, will immerse ourselves in every single thing possible; explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground."


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This post was originally published on January 11, 2019, and has since been updated.


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Career, Lifestyle, We Need to Talk Arianna Schioldager Career, Lifestyle, We Need to Talk Arianna Schioldager

We Need to Talk: I Earn More Than My Partner

Talking double standards, gender dilemmas, and female breadwinners. 

The wage gap is a battle that’s yet to be won, but there are many women who are bringing home more bacon than their significant others. 

Married women are more likely than ever before to out-earn their husbands. According to a Pew study in 1960 just about 4% of married women were the primary provider in their family, whereas in 2013 that percentage increased by 20%. Rising education and employment levels contribute to this stat.

Despite the upswing in changes, the same study found that 74% of adults say that the increase in working women, particularly working mothers, has made it harder to raise children and harder for marriages to succeed. 

So, we need to talk. We chatted anonymously with three women who are primary household breadwinners in various life stages about how they and their partners really feel about earning less. 

A single mom in a relationship. 

A married woman with two kids. 

And a VP living with her fiancé. 

Does earning more than your significant other affect your relationship?

Single mom: It comes in waves, honestly. There are some days when I can tell he’s uncomfortable with my success or that I don’t “need” him in the traditional sense. 

Married woman: At this point, no. But I wasn’t always earning more so that power switch was difficult to get used to. That’s not to say money equals power, but for a long time the person in charge of the bank account was the one making all the decisions. In most cases, that was a man. Banks wouldn’t even loan women money or let them sign for their own credit cards in the ‘70s. I don’t know why we expect this not to be difficult for men. They’ve been told and conditioned to behave one way— and there is a shift among Millennials, sure, but change is uncomfortable. If you watched your parents behave one way or the other it’s hard to break from that mindset.  

VP: This is tough because he’s also successful. When I was dating there were men who wanted a woman in a more traditional role. Logical or not, there are men who want to wear those proverbial pants. I get it, I like wearing the pants too. But I’d like to think that part of the reason we’re getting married is because he values my work ethic and my success. I’d like to think it affects my relationship in a positive way. He supports me and values me. 

Do you think men in general are uncomfortable with a female breadwinner?

Married woman: Yes. Like I said before this is slow shift. A long rolling after-shock. Things are moving and shaking, but in the process books are going to fall off the shelves and jars in the pantry will break. Nothing changes without a little— or a lot — of discomfort. 

Single mom: In general I don't think people want to be in relationships where there is a power play happening. I can only speak to my relationship but my boyfriend doesn’t believe that income reflects power in a relationship. I agree with him and at the same time I can’t help but wonder— if I’m being REALLY honest— he would feel the same way if he made more money. Money is weird. It makes men and women act weird. I don’t know any other way to explain it. 

VP: We’re slowly moving out of the mindset that men are the providers and women are caregivers. There is no longer a “traditional” role. I don’t even know what that would look like— and that's confusing to people. Men and women. Confusion and uncomfortable generally go hand-in-hand. We’re all testing out new models and there’s no one person to point to and say, "they did it right!" And when we do point to a couple that “did it right,” it’s usually someone’s grandparents who have been married for 50 years and held very “traditional” roles. Which, again, is confusing, because most people don’t want what their grandparents had. 

"There is no longer a 'traditional' role and that's confusing to people." 

Tweet this. 

Who pays when you go out to dinner? Or when you want to go on a vacation your partner can’t afford?

Single mom: We pay for what we can afford. And if one of us is uncomfortable, we say something. Communication is more important than who earns what. That’s a really annoying PC answer, but it’s also the truth. If we go out to dinner 10 nights and I’ve paid for 9 because I can afford it, I’ll say something. I expect an effort to be made on his part in ways that he can contribute. There are ways to support someone that are not financial. When one person isn’t making an effort, that’s a bigger problem than what’s in your bank account. 

Married woman: I think it’s different when you’re married. Most successful couples have clearly defined financial roles and decide how they are going to split finances. My parents never fought about money because they had independent accounts and one account they contributed to that was a percentage of their earnings, not a lump sum. There’s no tit for tat in marriage and when there is, you’re probably getting divorced. You need to throw this notion of fair out the window. Be fair with your heart if you want your love to last. 

VP: At the end of the day, if dinner is my suggestion or I’m taking him on a date, I pay. And vice versa. Does it work out to be an even split? No and I’m OK with that. MOST of the time. My love for him isn’t based in dollars. That doesn’t mean that emotions and money never get crossed. Somewhere at the intersection of the two there are arguments, feelings that get hurt, resentments. To pretend they are independent of each other would be over-simplifying. 

Do you think women think of their income as “theirs,” where men have to think of their income as “ours?” 

Married woman: Yes. There is a double standard 100%. Since women still earn less on the man’s dollar and are just now in the last decade or so occupying positions always held by men, I think there is this need to hoard or hold onto their income. We didn’t always have the opportunity to make money, so there’s an innate desire to keep it. Is that right? I don’t know. Women still feel the need to protect themselves. 

VP: These are hard questions because I have to be honest about my relationship to gender roles. I want to be breadwinner. I like it. At the same time, I still like a man to open my door and take me on a date, and I don’t know, plunge the toilet. Men are expected to share more than women and I think women like it that way, without always reciprocating. 

"I want to be the breadwinner, and at the same time, have the man to take me on a date." 

Single mom: Ah. What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine. Yeah, there’s definitely some of that going on. I’ve talked to many of my friends about this, who are also higher or relatively equal earners. There are mixed feelings. Nothing is ever going to be an equal down-the-middle split. If anything, I think we should take this as a lesson that shifting roles are hard for both genders and perhaps be a little less angry when it doesn’t come easy. That’s not a particularly feminist thing to say. 

Do you feel more in control in the relationship because you earn more money?

Single mom: I feel more in control of my own life. I feel able and competent which, in turn, creates a real confidence in me that I think is attractive to certain men. I don’t need to be in control of someone else, but I do like being in control of my own life. Knowing that if we broke up, I’d still be OK, able to pay my rent, feed my kid, go on small vacations. I don’t have a ton of expendable income, but I do fine on my own. I think that is empowering, more so than having “control” over another person. I don’t feel better than him because I earn more, I simply feel good about myself. 

"I don’t feel better than him because I earn more, I simply feel good about myself." 

Tweet this. 

VP: I don’t think I’ve ever admitted this out loud but, yes. I’m sure that has to do with the relationship dynamics I witnessed between my parents. I had a stay-at-home mom and as much of a job as that is, you don’t earn anything. You’re essentially paid by your husband to take care of the kids and the home. For lack of a better term, you’re a kept woman. I was never going to be for keeping, and for better or worse, money is a part of that. 

Married woman: If I was younger I might feel that way, but marriage is give and take, push and pull, and I know at any point the tables could turn. I would never want him to make me feel lesser than because I lost my job, or got fired, or who knows, life is messy. Money is complicated. Gender roles are complicated. Relationships and marriage, even more complicated. Put it all in a pot and there are good days and fucking god-awful ones. Sometimes that has to do with the all mighty dollar, but if you think you’re in control because you have more money, you should be single. 

Do you make more than your partners? Sound-off in the comments below and join the convo. 

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Miss Independent: More Single Women Own Homes Than Single Men

She got her own house, she got her own car…

Who run the world? Single women, apparently. On average, single women own around 22 percent of homes, says Apartment Therapy. A study from LendingTree found that while women make only 80 percent of what the average man does, they still own about nine percent more homes than single men.

Among the energizing location-specific stats:

In New York, single women own 82 percent more homes than men.

In the Los Angeles metro area, women own 77 percent more homes than men.

In New Orleans, women own nearly twice as many homes as men—27 percent vs. 15 percent.

Check out the study for more stats. Single ladies are literally owning it, and we are here for it.

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Career, We Need to Talk Arianna Schioldager Career, We Need to Talk Arianna Schioldager

We Need to Talk: Drawing the Line Between 'Casual Office Environment' and Harassment

When it's not OK. 

I was 15 riding in my dad’s red Mercedes sedan. A car I would later inherit and subsequently total because LA drivers don’t know how to handle the rain. It’s a tragically true stereotype.

Less stereotypical was the conversation that occurred that night between D ole D and me-- the first and only “sex” talk I would get from my father, who probably wished that there was a roadmap as trusty as the Thomas Guide in our backseat, for this convo. Not so. Instead of warning me against the wily advances of Thomases or Tylers, my dad meandered around the topic, finally landing on this odd nugget: “I want you to know that women can be predators too.” I was a sophomore at an all-girls school so the advice wasn’t entirely misplaced, but it was still “so random, so weird.” Which is what I groaned before I stared out the window, unable to make eye-contact. Predator. Not a small word. Pretty aggressive now that I think of it. In a way, looking back at it, this was gender equality at kinda sorta work--my dad thinking that women were equally as capable as men of sexual harassment (though statistically, at least in the workplace, this is not true.)

More than 15 years later that conversation is only now starting to make sense.

In 2016, of the 6,758 sexual harassment charges filed with the EOC, only 16.6% of those were by males. The data do not differentiate between sexual harassment suits between men and women or those of a same sex nature (i.e. a female superior harassing a female employee). Other studies have found that 1 in 3 women between the ages 18-34 report being sexually harassed at work, but over 70% of those women do not report it.  

Consider the number of female-to-female or male-to-male cases even more under-reported.

###

There have been many high-profile cases of male CEOs harassing female workers. Though American Apparel had its unitard ass dragged through the mud thanks to ousted CEO Dov Charney, a former female employee we spoke with said many of the women in executive positions weren’t much better. “When I was at American Apparel,” shared the 30-year-old who works for a new company, “a lot of the leadership was female and all the worst stereotypes about women were evident-cattiness, competitive, emotional-it was so sad to see.”

Derogatory comments about other women’s looks and bodies were common, as was slut-shaming was. “So much shit-talking,” the former AA employee shared. “Non-stop.”

Another source who works in interior design and asked to remain anonymous had this to say: “I personally feel like female superiors do sexually harass juniors, in my profession at least. Just not in the same way as the men. The men are condescending, belittling, and overtly sexual. They hold ‘meetings’ at strip clubs. And they make comments about women in general, if not specifically. The women are territorial.”

She continued, “And women make comments that in my mind--and this has happened personally--would constitute sexual harassment of the slut-shaming variety. Which is a different way of also establishing dominance and superiority. I think women have a really hard time with that. And will until it's a more equal distribution of men and women.”

"Female to female harassment simply reinforces the traditional patriarchal power structure."

Tweet this. 

Which brings up a very important point. As women, we are still navigating what it looks like to have women in charge and, what it looks like to have office environments that are almost entirely female. This has been called the golden age for female entrepreneurship. Women are starting businesses at rapid rates. According to the 2016 State of Women-Owned Business Report it is estimated that there are now 11.3 million women-owned businesses in the United States, employing nearly 9 million people. Female leaders are also navigating a double-edged sword of quelling micro-aggression amongst females and harassment, with the the millennial desire to work in more casual environments. For instance, LinkedIn found that 67% of millennials are likely to share personal details including salary, relationships and family issues with co-workers. One-third of millennials think socializing with coworkers will help them move up the ladder. And 28% millennials have texted a manager out of work hours for a non-work related issue. Granted, those texts don’t have to be of a sexual or inappropriate nature, but many of us are confused about what’s OK and what’s not.

And there isn’t much of a precedent set.

Legally, according to Eisenberg & Baum, LLP there's this:

“The first United States Supreme Court decision acknowledging sexual harassment as a legal cause of action under Title VII came in 1986 with the case of Meritor Savings Bank v. Vinson. That case presented what would now be seen as a classic example of sexual harassment in which a female employee was coerced into participating in sexual acts by her male boss. Over ten years after the Supreme Court’s decision in Meritor, the Supreme Court considered the question of whether Title VII could apply when the harasser and victim are the same gender. In that case, Oncale v. Sundowner Offshore Services, Inc., a male worker on an offshore oil platform complained about the harassing conduct of several male co-workers who allegedly engaged in both verbal and physical sexual conduct with him. The Court noted that Title VII protects both men and women from discrimination based on their sex, and held that sexual harassment by someone of the same gender can be just as illegal as harassment by a member of the opposite sex.”

Just as illegal, but much murkier. Even though it shouldn’t be. Harassment is harassment is harassment. But in these female-first-we-all-champion-each-other times, where do we draw the line between ‘casual and fun’ and harassment?

I’ve worked for horrible male bosses where harassment has been horribly apparent. Those who have thrown trash at my head and told me to pick it up. One who told me he wanted to photo recreate Jesus’ crucifixion with me as the female Jesus. “You kind of look like him,” he told me. Whatever that meant. CLEARLY NOT OK. Bosses who used the word cunt to refer to female clients as casually as a conjunction. When I was pregnant, an employer told me to get married or get rid of the baby because, “I shouldn’t bring a bastard child into this world.” NEVER OK. When it comes to bad female bosses, the behavior hasn’t been as egregious. No female boss ever asked to tie me naked to a cross, that’s for sure. To be honest, I’ve had female bosses I definitely didn’t like, but I am way more hesitant to claim harassment. But in the past week numerous stories have come out about former Thinx CEO Miki Agrawal (a woman C&C has interviewed and supported) and more questions are being asked about what really is appropriate at the office.

Part of the problem lies in our overshare culture. Unlike economics, its effects have trickled into the workplace. The workplace is considerably more open, but sexual harassment laws are considerably more rigorous than they were pre-Anita Hill. It has been an uphill battle. In the 1920s women who couldn’t take the inevitable harassment were advised to quit their jobs. The term sexual harassment wasn’t even coined until 1975 when a group of women at Cornell University called it into being. In the early ‘90s, the American public was still in the midst of figuring out what was and was not acceptable. Finally, in 1998 (and the above mentioned case) the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex harassment was also illegal.

We accept this as truth and yet, when it comes to the current office culture (especially for women), we’re still in funky water. Like we know it’s good for us, but still smells weird. Like Bikram. We openly talk about our periods and sex lives. When we swiped right and where they subsequently swiped. We discuss it on our platforms. We champion truth-telling. We applaud bosses who are forthcoming and girls’ girls and encourage open environments. Until we don’t.

These cases are more rare, but they do happen. In January 2013, a sexual harassment lawsuit involving two women was filed by an Armani employee accusing her boss of unwanted sexual advances. In 2014, one of the biggest cases of same sex harassment involving a female Yahoo executive drew national attention. Maria Zhang, a senior engineering director for Yahoo Mobile, was accused by her subordinate Nan Shi, of allegedly pressuring Shi into having oral and cyber-sex in exchange for a “bright future” at Yahoo. There was a 2014 case against a Wells Fargo superior. 

Now, there are some very clear lines in the sand. Touching, for one. Inappropriate comments as well. But there are countless examples of what a female boss might say to a female employee that would be considered harassment if said by a male, but we are generally more lenient with female bosses. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I work at a company of all women and I feel free to speak my mind, almost all of the time. I feel safe. There's the 'every company is different' argument, but that feels like a cop-out and also, hypocritical.  

As disturbing as that is, that’s not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that every time women abuse their position of power, we undermine the equality we’ve set out to gain. Female to female harassment simply reinforces the traditional patriarchal power structure.

Which, brings me back to my dad, oddly enough. Women can be predators, too. It’s not fun to think about, but that doesn’t make it less true. It may be statistically less likely. It may not happen to 1 in 3, but it’s still happening. And it’s on other women to call it out.

That’s how we support each other. That’s how we get stronger.

Arianna Schioldager is Create & Cultivate's editorial director. 

Have thoughts? Please share in the comments below. We're listening.

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