There's a Better Way to Say "No" to People

Photo credit: Smith House Photography

You have three outstanding assignments sitting on your desk, your phone is lighting up with texts from your friend reminding you that you’re scheduled to have a check-in call, and then your boss Slacks you to ask if you can work late to help out on seven other tasks that need finishing.

Before you can stop yourself, “Uh, sure! I mean, of course,” tumbles out of your mouth. You know full well that you're unable to handle another thing, but there’s just something about saying “no” that’s almost impossible to do. Here’s how to say “no” in a way that’s beneficial to you and your boss.

Have “No” Fear?

If the above situation sounds familiar, it's not surprising—many of us are afraid to say no. Psychology Today offers two main reasons why: We fear conflict and we don’t like to disappoint others. Because of this, we often say yes even if taking on something else isn’t in our best interest. We want to make others feel better—but we sacrifice our own feelings and time in return.

For many, saying no can feel... harsh. But learning to turn down a request is a crucial skill to master. It’s important to create boundaries out of respect for yourself, your time, and your energy—we truly can’t do it all.

So, how do we get better at saying “no?” The answer involves swapping that word for something else entirely. Let us introduce you to your new magic words: “I don’t.”

The Power of “I Don’t”

When we're skittish around the word “no,” we often try to decline requests with an “I can’t”—but “I don’t” is actually the best phrase to use. The reason is this: “I can’t” implies that you want to do something but an external factor is stopping you from doing it. It suggests you could do that task—and it leaves room for people to push back. For example: Saying “I can’t go to the party tonight” leaves lots of room for someone to respond with a “Why not?”

“Saying ‘I don’t’ turns a rejection into an affirmation of how you live your life.”

“I don’t,” on the other hand, reclaims your authority over your actions. When you say that you don’t do something, it's an iron-clad refusal—you as a human don’t do what's being asked of you, and you don’t do it for your own sake. “I don’t go to parties on weeknights” is much more impactful than “I can’t go tonight.” The phrase turns a rejection into an affirmation of how you live your life, making it powerful and something you own.

Another example: If you have a coworker asking you to step in on the office party planning committee—but you already have the responsibility of organizing the company’s retreat plus 10 outstanding work assignments—you can reply with a simple, “Although I wish I could help further, I don’t take on other projects when I’m behind on my existing assignments.” That statement is a lot harder to argue with than, “I can’t do that right now,” and it’s more thoughtful than a plain “no.”

How to Use “I Don’t” to Motivate Yourself

“I don’t” is also a powerful tool you can use when working towards your goals. If you incorporate it into your self-talk, it can increase your willpower.

When researchers at Boston College and The University of Houston conducted a small study looking into the use of “I don’t” and “I can’t,” they found that participants who said “I don’t skip exercise” rather than “I can’t skip exercise” ended up working out more often than the “I can’t” group. “Using the word ‘don’t’ serves as a self-affirmation of one’s personal willpower and control ... leading to a favorable influence on feelings of empowerment, as well as on actual behavior," the researchers wrote.

Take Control of “No”

Bottom line: “I don’t” puts the ball back in your court. It gives you authority over your no and leads to a powerful but respectful decline—or, an empowering motivational phrase.

It’s a lesson in framing, and it’s an easy way to turn dreaded “no”s into something empowering. Give it a try next time you need to say no but feel yourself about to say yes.

Article by Anna Meyer. There's a Better Way to Say “No” originally appeared on Shine, a free daily text to help you thrive.

About Shine: Shine is a free daily text message experience that makes it easier to live a more intentional life. Each weekday morning, Shine sends curated content and actionable tips across confidence, daily happiness, mental health and productivity. Why? Because we all need a little help to get through the day—and Shine’s got your back. To sign up, text “SHINE” to 759-85 or go to www.shinetext.com to learn more.

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This post was originally published on December 26, 2017, and has since been updated.

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The Truth About Eating Disorders At Work

Christina Grasso, know to IG as The Pouf, just launched a peer support network for women with eating disorders. In collaboration with Ruthie Friedlander, Special Projects Director at InStyle, the women have unveiled The Chain, the first peer-led support network exclusively for women in fashion, beauty, and entertainment struggling with eating disorders.

They co-founders connected over their shared history and the difficulty of navigating a career in fashion while actively working toward recovery. 

The below is Christina's story and strength. 

###

The most challenging moment of my young life came when I, a high-achieving, seemingly together 19-year-old college student had to admit that despite my carefully-crafted pretense, I was not okay. That I, someone who seemingly had it all, was in the midst of a life-or-death battle with anorexia nervosa.

I needed help.

It baffles me to think that had it been any sort of primarily physical ailment, like a broken bone or a gaping wound, I wouldn’t have so vehemently denied it and struggled in silence for so long. But the reality is that most people hesitate to ask for or accept help because of the shame and stigma that clouds mental illness. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and alone. Which may be why only 10 percent of those who struggle with an eating disorder ever seek help–the rest are left to their own devices to fight a disease that has the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric illnesses. And had I not gotten help, as defiant and ambivalent as I was, it’s highly likely I would have died from heart failure.

"Only 10 percent of those who struggle with an eating disorder ever seek help."

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While admitting I needed help was, as they say, the first step to recovery, I was naive to the fact that the process would require constant honesty because eating disorders thrive in the dark.

The space between that crucial moment in college and today, almost a decade later, has been turbulent. I’ve bounced in and out of treatment centers and hospitals; my earnest efforts to get better sabotaged by a ruthless illness that started to rear its ugly head at the age of 12. I would take two steps forward and several steps back, which ultimately landed me, at my worst, hospitalized with a feeding tube. Though I am now in recovery, it’s an unimaginably difficult, everyday battle to stay in recovery. And along with a solid support system, it’s been my decision to disclose my history with eating disorders–not just in the workplace but publicly—that has given me the momentum to keep going.

When I graduated college and started my first job around 5 years ago, I subscribed to the widely-held belief that drawing a line in the sand through personal and professional matters wasn’t just standard practice, but of vital importance. That line quickly faded, though, when I chose to disclose my history in a story for a major publication. The article detailed my battle with anorexia, and knowing my colleagues would likely see it, I made the choice to be transparent with them ahead of time to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness. Doing so felt backward and uncomfortable, especially as a fiercely private individual. Part of me felt like disclosing my illness would lead to the demise of a career I had just begun, but something in my gut told me it was what I needed to do. Stepping out of my comfort zone and into the vast unknown was terrifying, but I knew it had to be better than standing in secrecy and fear for the rest of my life.

The response I received from my peers and colleagues was, and continues to be, overwhelmingly positive. After spending months—years, even—catastrophizing over what people would think, I was mostly met with empathy, curiosity, and support. In a way, it has kept me accountable in my recovery because since most people I’ve worked with are at least somewhat aware of my history, I know I can’t get away with disordered behaviors without it being somewhat obvious. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always easy. Because my job requires a great deal of social functions, and ones that often involve food, I’ve really had to learn to embrace the discomfort, which is ever-present. Over the years, something that has helped me tremendously is repeatedly giving myself to situations that are anxiety-provoking. While that may sound slightly masochistic, I remind myself to “fake it ‘til you make it,” and that doing the things of which we’re fearful is what breeds growth. And over time, I have grown a great deal and it really has gotten easier.

"Doing the things of which we’re fearful is what breeds growth."

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It has also opened up a whole new window of meaningful opportunities and relationships.. About 5 years ago, shortly after that article went live, I connected with Project HEAL, a non-profit that provides financial assistance to those battling eating disorders who cannot afford treatment. Today, I sit on their board and lead their public relations efforts, speak at schools about my recovery, and most recently have been privileged to consult with them on the new Netflix film, To the Bone. Together, these have been some of the most rewarding and energizing experiences which reaffirm both my recovery and my vulnerability in being open about it.

photo credit: Christina Grasso @thepouf 

About The Chain: The Chain is a New York-based, not-for-profit peer support and mentorship program for women in the fashion and entertainment industries who are struggling with, or recovering from, an eating disorder. Founded in December 2017 by Christina Grasso and Ruthie Friedlander, both in recovery from anorexia, The Chain aims to create a safe space for this population to share their experiences and gain insight through conversation, support, and community building. For more information, or to become a member, please visit the-chain.us. 

Christina Grasso is a 20-something year-old writer and activist originally from the Midwest. She has worked with Nylon, Huffington Post, Obsessee, Bullett, P.S. I made this, Thrive Global, Oscar de la Renta, Nanette Lepore, and celebrity makeup artist, Robin Black. She currently leads social media for StyleCaster and appeared on Season 18 of Law & Order: SVU. In addition to her work in fashion and beauty, she serves on the boards of the Glam4Good Foundation and Project HEAL. She has been involved with Project HEAL since 2012 as the founder of the New York City chapter, director of the PR and social media team, and creator of its viral "What Makes Me Beautiful" campaign. She is a frequent speaker on her own recovery from anorexia, and volunteers her free time to doing arts and crafts in hospitals, shelters, and assisted living communities throughout the New York City area. She lives in Manhattan.

Inspired by Christina's story? Share with us below for an open dialogue about this important topic. 

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Professional Ghosting: Why Is It So Horrible

Urban Dictionary defines ghosting as “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone,” and while the term originated in the dating world, it seems to be slithering itself into the workplace too.

Professional ghosting isn’t just horrible when you’re on the receiving end, but it can be disastrous for your reputation of you’re the one doing the ghosting. The average worker spends an estimated 28% of the workweek managing e-mails, so chances are that if you’re the recipient, you’ve at least seen the email come through. According to a study done at USC, more than 90% of replies happen within a day of receiving the message, so if you haven’t received a reply in a day or two, there’s a very high chance that you won’t receive a reply at all.

TWO DAYS?!

GETTING GHOSTED

Obviously no one likes being on the receiving end of professional ghosting. It can hurt your self-esteem, and lead to internal questions about what you could have done differently. “Did I say something wrong?” “Could I have approached this differently?”

The important thing to remember if you’re being professionally ghosted is to take the high road. Learn from your experience and don’t ghost others. If you come across the person who ghosted you at a later time, keep your cool and act professional. While it’s okay to mention that you sent them an email (or many) without a response a while back, it’s important to show that you have taken the high road and aren’t holding a grudge. Internal feelings are fine, but keeping outward presentation pleasant is what will help you professionally. No one likes someone who holds grudges, especially at work. And while it doesn’t make it okay, you never know what came up or why that person never responded.

BEING THE GHOSTER 

It may seem easy to just brush off an email and not respond, but on top of being extremely rude, if you professionally ghost someone, you are being unprofessional and hurting your reputation. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and as long as you voice that opinion respectfully and appropriately, there is nothing wrong with that. 

Have you decided that you don’t want to work with someone or that a project isn’t the right fit? Totally your choice, but take action and tell your potential partners what’s going on. There’s nothing worse than negotiating with someone only to all of the sudden not receive any responses. If you’ve gone with another option, that’s okay, but communicate and don’t burn your bridges.

By ghosting someone, you are showing that you:

• Don’t care enough or respect the other party enough to respond
• You lack professionalism
• You cannot take accountability for your decisions

Do you want to represent that in your career? Hopefully not. Try the touch it once rule-- it helps keep you on your best email grind. 

What do you do if you’ve ghosted someone and want to fix it?

Responding late is better than never. It’s still rude to wait a long time to respond to someone, but if you have and want to remedy the situation, the best way to handle it is to take responsibility.

A great way to respond is something like this: 

“Hi ___, So sorry for the delayed response. This email should have gotten out to you sooner. Unfortunately we’ve decided to go with another option, but we appreciate your hard work, and would love to keep in touch about future opportunities. Best of luck on your endeavors!”

This response shows contrition (or email guilt), gives you accountability for your actions, and lays out the situation clearly. All you can do is take responsibility, learn from your mistakes, and move forward. A simple email saying “Thank you, but we’re not interested at this time” or something of that nature takes seconds to craft, and shows the recipient that you care enough to take the time to respond. No one can hold it against you if you’ve gone a different direction as long as you’ve been clear with your communication.

______

 Is one email response really worth ruining your reputation and potentially your career? Chime in below. 

In the time it takes to write a quick email, you will be able to help your professional reputation, give someone piece of mind, and ensure that you’re not burning any bridges.

A native San Franciscan, Michele Lando is a Certified Professional Resume Writer and founder of writestylesonline.com. She has a passion for helping others present the best version of themselves, both on paper and in person, and works to polish individuals' application package and personal style. Aiming to help create a perfect personal branding package, Write Styles presents tips to enhance your resume, style, and boost your confidence.

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You Should Def Think Twice Before Doing This On Social Media

It’s estimated that 81% of Americans are on social media, (up 5% from last year) so it’s more than likely that you’ll come across professional contacts on various social media platforms. While it might be second nature to connect with those in your professional network, it’s important to think twice before adding a professional contact on social media and make a conscious decision about whether or not connecting is the right move. There are a few extremely important things to consider first.

Nothing is private

One of the reasons why you should think twice before adding a professional contact on a social platform is because nothing is private. This goes for anything you put on the internet, but it becomes even more important when you’re dealing with your career. Regardless of privacy settings, it’s important to remember that everything you put out there can be seen by those in your network.

The first thing that comes to mind may be party pictures, but it’s important to think about the other factors of social media that others see. Are you posting pictures of a relaxing mental health day? Or did one of your friends post a funny meme that your boss might not like? Just remember that when you connect with someone on social media, you are giving them a window into your personal life. If you’re someone that likes to keep your work life separate from your private life, it’s best not to connect with professional contacts on social media.

You’re putting yourself in the line of judgement

It’s human nature to judge others, but when you add a professional contact on social media, you’re opening yourself up to a new line of judgement. Think about it this way: If someone sends you an email and you don’t respond, but you’re actively posting on social media, it sends the message that you don’t care enough to respond to your professional contact, or that you are spending more time on social media than handling your professional obligations. 

This can negatively affect you and cause others to judge your work ethic and level of respect. Similarly, if you’re sneakily (or not so sneakily) on social media at work, others will be able to see it. Depending on the office culture and social media rules, this may or may not be allowed, so you’ll want to make sure that you consider this when you’re posting.

If you’re someone who often posts social updates and pictures, you might want to think twice before adding a professional contact on a social platform so it doesn’t affect your reputation at work. If you are going to make a social post, be conscious of who will see it and what they will think.

Sometimes it’s best to keep your work and personal life separate

An industry-wide study of over 2,500 people found that 55% of workers would take less pay to have more fun at work. With that in mind, fun at work is still different than fun outside of work, and it’s important to note the difference. Regardless of your company culture or how relaxed your office is, it’s still important to remember that work is work, and you need to uphold your professionalism. 

Remember that you can’t un-see something. If someone sees a picture of you hanging out at the beach in a bathing suit, they will remember that at the office. If you’re comfortable with your office contacts seeing you in that setting, there’s no problem, but it just depends on what you’re comfortable with. It’s a very personal decision that only you can make.

This goes back to the judgement issue, but one of the reasons why you should think twice before adding a professional contact on a social platform is because you don’t want your personal life, outside hobbies, or personal opinions to have an impact on your work. In a perfect world these issues would not affect one another, but it’s human nature to take everything into consideration. With that said, it would be a shame if a personal opinion or weekend activity affected how someone viewed your work or your professional reputation.

_______________

In a society where we’re all connected and plugged into various social platforms, it’s important to think twice before adding a professional contact on social media. Ultimately it comes down to what you’re comfortable with and what you want to share with others. Social platforms are a window into our personal lives, so when you’re considering adding a professional contact, consider if your personal life outside of the office is something you’re willing to share, or if it’s something that you want to keep private. 

A native San Franciscan, Michele Lando is a Certified Professional Resume Writer and founder of writestylesonline.com. She has a passion for helping others present the best version of themselves, both on paper and in person, and works to polish individuals' application package and personal style. Aiming to help create a perfect personal branding package, Write Styles presents tips to enhance your resume, style, and boost your confidence.

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More Than Half of Women Say They Don't Have Enough Time to Do This

If you feel like you don't have enough time to do what you want to do, you're not alone. 

A recent Gallup poll found that six in 10 working Americans (61%) say they do not have enough time to do what they want, compared with 32% of those who are not working. 

61% of females ages 18-49 also say that they don't have enough time to do what they want. 

Sound like you? It's a time-trap-crunch that we've all found ourselves caught in. But the question remains, how do we find some ME TIME in between all of our work hours and commitments? 

1. FLIP THE WAY YOU START YOUR DAY 

Most of us feel the time crunch start from the moment we open our email. Often this happens before we even get to the office. How many of you are guilty of rolling over, checking your inbox, and making sure there's no fire to put out? That is a surefire way to always be playing catchup. Your inbox is someone else's to-do list. 

2. FOLLOW THE TOUCH-IT-ONCE RULE 

We've talked a bit about this before, but the emails we open and don't address take up a lot of space in our minds. Space that we can use to problem solve or come up with creative ideas. The way it works is simple: if you open it, answer it. That way you will be able to more fully focus on -- and execute-- tasks throughout the day. You'll find that as you do this, it not only frees up more brain space, but TIME as well. You can use this extra time to meditate or take a walk-- even if only for 15 minutes. 

3. OK, BUT 15 MINUTES ISN'T WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT (when they say they don't have enough time)

You're right. 15 minutes does not give you actual me time. It's a respite, not a reprieve. Which, is why it's so important to clock out during vacation time. If you don't have to answer emails this coming Friday, don't do it. Give your brain the time to power down. 

Vacation is seen as a luxury, instead of a right, and it's made it so that few full time working Americans are taking time-off. In 2014 42% of working Americans didn't take a single vacation day. Not one. In 2013 Americans collectively squandered 169 million vacation days. Yet this pattern is taking its toll on workers, proving to have a negative ripple effect on employee mental health, productivity, even the economy. 

Taking your vacation days is necessary.

4. LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'FREE TIME' & 'ME TIME'

It's more than likely you've squandered your free time. Free time feels slightly more flexible. But if you schedule your me time to do something [insert your GOAL LIST here] you really want to do, it will recharge you in a different way.

Or if that doesn't work, repeat "Beep Boop" until your start smiling. 

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You Should Really Consider This Before Giving a Friend a Referral

photo credit: Turkan Najar 

Referrals are a huge part of our society. We see them everywhere from Yelp to Facebook to LinkedIn, and however you look at them, they are incredibly important. When a trusted friend tells you about a business, you transfer that trust to the company, and similarly, when a trusted acquaintance refers you to a person, you then transfer your trust into the referral.

When you refer someone, you put your own name on the line

When you refer a friend, you’re not only putting them up for scrutiny, but you’re putting yourself up for it as well. If you refer someone that clearly isn’t a good fit for the company, it can suggest two main things:

1. It suggests that you haven’t done any research on the company and what the company is looking for in an employee.
2. It suggests that you really don’t know the person that well, so it weakens your referral.

Either option reflects badly on you. If you’re going to refer someone, it’s important to do your research so you feel truly confident that they could be a good fit for the company.

Similarly, you want to ensure that you believe in someone’s work ethic and quality of work prior to referring them to someone. It’s impossible to control other people’s actions, but the reality is that if someone doesn’t work out or someone makes a bad impression at work, you’re probably going to think about who referred them in the first place. This is part of the reason why that referral from a friend is such a big deal. They’re putting their own reputation on the line along with yours.

You truly don't know what someone is like at work until you actually work with them

People can be very different in and outside of the office, and ultimately you never truly know how someone acts at work until you’ve seen it first-hand. GlassDoor estimates that being referred by someone at the company boosts your chance of successfully landing a job as high as nearly 7%. This makes a big difference during the job search, but it can be tough for someone to refer you when they haven’t seen your work ethic.

"You don’t truly know what someone is like at work until you actually work with them."

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If you are asking a friend or acquaintance for a referral, make sure that you can show them that you’re worth it. Their name and reputation is on the line just as much as yours is, so do your best to highlight why you’re the right fit for the position. If you can show them what you’ve accomplished in your career and what you would like to accomplish at the company, that is ideal.

It can set you up for an awkward situation if things don’t work out

One of the hardest parts about referring someone or getting a referral from a friend is that it can make for some awkward conversations if things don’t go as planned. Going back to the fact that you don’t know how someone acts at work unless you’ve worked with them, you might be surprised to hear that a friend had a low work ethic or another less than ideal quality. It can also be hard to tell a friend that the person they referred made a bad impression. While this isn’t the end of the world, this is why asking for or giving a referral for a friend is such a big deal. 

Acknowledge the fact that if someone is giving you a referral, they are confident enough in you to risk their reputation or some potentially awkward conversations down the line. On the opposite end, it is important to acknowledge the risk and make sure you are confident in your choice when you are referring a friend.

________________

Ultimately, referrals make a huge difference when looking for a job or looking for a candidate to hire, but they can be risky for the person who is giving the referral. If someone is willing to give you a referral, it means that they have confidence in you, so it’s important to do your best to uphold that. Referrals mean that both the referrer and the referral get judged, and this is what you need to consider before you ask for or give a friend a referral.

A native San Franciscan, Michele Lando is a Certified Professional Resume Writer and founder of writestylesonline.com. She has a passion for helping others present the best version of themselves, both on paper and in person, and works to polish individuals' application package and personal style. Aiming to help create a perfect personal branding package, Write Styles presents tips to enhance your resume, style, and boost your confidence.

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You're Not Following This One Rule & It's Costing You the Job

photo credit: The Jungalow 

You have a great resume and you’ve applied to multiple jobs, but haven’t gotten a response. What’s the problem? It might be that you’re not following this one simple rule. You might not be following the directions on the job application. It sounds so obvious and so simple, but it’s far easier to mess up than you might think.

Don’t be an overachiever

Career Builder estimates that 44% of millennials ages 25-34 have a side hustle and take on multiple roles at once. You might be one of those who constantly strives to do more and put your best foot forward, but this is not the place to do it. When a job application asks for a specific set of documents or portfolio pieces, provide exactly what is asked and nothing more.

It sounds tempting to go above and beyond what is asked of you, but what this really does is create more work for those on the other end. With an average of 250 applicants per job application, (one Google recruiter estimated that the company receives around three million resumes annually) recruiters and hiring managers already have enough information to sift through. Adding just one more document or piece of information exponentially adds to their workload, which won’t necessarily work in your favor. Instead of including additional information or sample work, try to include the most pertinent information that effectively highlights your achievements in the least amount of space.

Provide the right information

If the job application asks you to discuss a specific detail or why you would be great at a specific role, make sure that you actually discuss that information. It’s easy to get side tracked and talk about other details or qualifications, but it’s crucial to follow the directions and include the information specifically noted in the job description.

For instance, if a job description asks you to show how you will help the company build on industry trends and lead the team in customer satisfaction, highlight your achievements that reflect your ability to do this. Discuss times when you used innovative tactics to excel in customer service. The more specific and relatable information you can provide, the better.

For best results, create SOAR stories that directly relate to the information or qualifications requested in the job description. This will help you get noticed, and will also help prepare you for a potential interview.

Read everything thoroughly

"We are continuously anticipating what we will see, hear or feel next," Dr. Lars Muckli, a researcher at the University of Glasgow's Institute of Neuroscience and Psychology told Phys.org. This is why it’s so easy to miss something crucial when reading a job description. We often anticipate and make assumptions about what is being asked of us instead of actually looking at the text. Every single job application is different, and it’s important to remember that there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to your resume. Make sure you read the job description and application thoroughly and make note of specific requirements, requests, or directions. 

Highlighting key words or phrases throughout the job description is a great way to ensure that you’re including exactly what is being asked of you, and it will also help you create a more customized resume. By noting the specifics of the job description, you will be able to integrate these into your resume and cover letter to create a more effective and searchable document. 

____________

It’s easy to feel like more is better, but when it comes to applying for jobs, it’s not. If you’re not following the directions and reading the specifications of the job application, you may be costing yourself the role. Do your homework, send in exactly what is asked of you, and create a concise document that highlights exactly how amazing you are. It’s better to give one example of a time you achieved greatness, than to drone on about multiple vague experiences.

A native San Franciscan, Michele Lando is a Certified Professional Resume Writer and founder of writestylesonline.com. She has a passion for helping others present the best version of themselves, both on paper and in person, and works to polish individuals' application package and personal style. Aiming to help create a perfect personal branding package, Write Styles presents tips to enhance your resume, style, and boost your confidence.

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