3 Ways We Can Stop Professionally Ghosting Each Other
Let’s talk about it.
Photo: ColorJoy Stock
Several years ago, I was interviewing for a role at one of the top beauty companies in the world. I went through rounds of interviews and met key members of the cross-functional and senior leadership teams on multiple occasions at their offices.
In my very last conversation, the head of HR called me on a Friday to say, “The team loved you. We would like to put together an offer for you. Can you please remind me of your current compensation package and specifically your stock grant component?”
I was thrilled. I immediately provided the details. She thanked me for my time. She said she would call me first thing Monday morning with the offer details.
She didn’t call me first thing Monday morning. She didn’t call me later that afternoon, or later that week, or the Monday after that. She never called me again.
I followed up a few times. Maybe she’s just busy. Maybe something happened to her (Oh god, I hope she’s ok!). Maybe she lost my contact information. And then I realized I had invested my time and effort into a process that would never receive any closure: I was a victim of ghosting. I had been ghosted. She would never reach out to me again.
Since then, I have been ghosted more times than I can remember in my career. And the hard truth is, I have also ghosted people. I, too, have been the ghoster.
What is ghosting? Ghosting is to completely stop responding over text, email, or phone (insert your preferred mode of communication here) after having been responsive and in touch with someone over a distinct period of time for a specific business objective.
The business objectives during which the ghosting occurs can be a wide variety, including being in the process of prospecting a new client, interviewing for a job, raising funds for a non-profit event, a promised introduction to another industry contact, or seeking investors for a new venture.
Please note: Ghosting does not include cold emailing, cold calling, or cold LinkedIn messaging. If the person doesn’t know you, they don’t actually owe you a response. It’s not considered ghosting. Unless you call me Rita instead of Mita, I try to respond when someone reaches out to me even if I don’t know them.
So why have I ghosted people?
Because I was uncomfortable with the request, because I didn’t have time, because I could no longer deliver on what I had promised. Because I had said yes when I should have said no. Because I am working, teaching, and parenting (all during a pandemic). Because I was scared to respond with the truth and I didn’t want to hurt them.
If we acknowledge what’s holding us back from engaging and push through to respond, we show up as the leaders we want to be, acting with kindness and empathy. Here are three ways we can stop ghosting once and for all.
1. Be Timely
To avoid potential ghosting, I try to respond to people within 72 hours (during a pandemic, it might be closer to a week) when they reach back out with a quick one-liner: Thanks for checking in. It’s a busy time. Please reach back out in two weeks.
The ghosting can begin when you simply don’t have an answer for that person yet. You might not know what your response should be. You might have a response and realize it should be a phone call or a longer email.
If I don’t respond because I don’t have a response yet, and too much time passes, I am slipping into ghosting territory.
2. Be Honest and Transparent
No one wants to deliver bad news. And what’s worse than bad news is no closure, obsessively refreshing your inbox and checking your phone incessantly. We are living in limbo during this pandemic; there’s no need to add any more uncertainty or stress on each other.
When I think back to the offer I never received on that Monday morning, how would I have handled it as the head of HR? A simple email would have sufficed: “We have decided to move ahead with another candidate. We wish you the best of luck in your career endeavors.”
Any additional insight would have been appreciated given the amount of time I spent interviewing (i.e. not aligning on salary expectations or looking for someone with more technical experience). I would have been upset, but the ghosting was far worse. I was left with an incredibly negative impression of the company that I didn’t hesitate to share with others in my network.
Unfortunately, budgets were cut and we can’t proceed with the proposal.
Unfortunately, we have a hiring freeze now and the role is no longer open.
Unfortunately, we don’t believe this is the right fit for us and we won’t be proceeding with the partnership.
We all are owed the respect of closure. We would want it for ourselves. And we have the power to give closure to others.
3. Be Clear on What You Can and Can’t Commit To
Recently, I was asked by two individuals if I could mentor them. While I wanted to say yes, I knew I couldn’t give them the time they deserved. If I did say yes to avoid saying no, I would eventually not have time to mentor them and ultimately ghost them.
And while I hesitated to respond to their requests with the truth, I knew if I ghosted them I would risk damaging these relationships. So I told them I was humbled they thought of me and with a new job and raising young kids in this pandemic, I just couldn’t commit right now. Each individual responded saying they understood and looked forward to keeping in touch.
Please don’t say yes when you mean to say no. Please be clear on what you can and cannot commit to. And if you committed to something and can no longer deliver on what you agreed to, just speak up. Let individuals know your circumstances have changed. While they may be disappointed, they will appreciate your honesty and respect you for being accountable and for not disappearing on them, never to be heard from again.
“If we acknowledge what’s holding us back from engaging and push through to respond, we show up as the leaders we want to be, acting with kindness and empathy.”
—Mita Mallick, Head of Inclusion, Equity, and Impact at Carta
About the Author: Mita Mallick is a corporate change-maker with a track record of transforming businesses and cultures. She is the head of inclusion, equity, and impact at Carta. Mallick is a columnist for Entrepreneur, and her writing has been published in outlets including Harvard Business Review, The New York Post, and Business Insider.
Love this story? Pin the below graphic to your Pinterest board.
MORE ON THE BLOG
Professional Ghosting: Why Is It So Horrible
Are you there colleauge? It's me Margaret.
Urban Dictionary defines ghosting as “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone,” and while the term originated in the dating world, it seems to be slithering itself into the workplace too.
Professional ghosting isn’t just horrible when you’re on the receiving end, but it can be disastrous for your reputation of you’re the one doing the ghosting. The average worker spends an estimated 28% of the workweek managing e-mails, so chances are that if you’re the recipient, you’ve at least seen the email come through. According to a study done at USC, more than 90% of replies happen within a day of receiving the message, so if you haven’t received a reply in a day or two, there’s a very high chance that you won’t receive a reply at all.
TWO DAYS?!
GETTING GHOSTED
Obviously no one likes being on the receiving end of professional ghosting. It can hurt your self-esteem, and lead to internal questions about what you could have done differently. “Did I say something wrong?” “Could I have approached this differently?”
The important thing to remember if you’re being professionally ghosted is to take the high road. Learn from your experience and don’t ghost others. If you come across the person who ghosted you at a later time, keep your cool and act professional. While it’s okay to mention that you sent them an email (or many) without a response a while back, it’s important to show that you have taken the high road and aren’t holding a grudge. Internal feelings are fine, but keeping outward presentation pleasant is what will help you professionally. No one likes someone who holds grudges, especially at work. And while it doesn’t make it okay, you never know what came up or why that person never responded.
BEING THE GHOSTER
It may seem easy to just brush off an email and not respond, but on top of being extremely rude, if you professionally ghost someone, you are being unprofessional and hurting your reputation. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and as long as you voice that opinion respectfully and appropriately, there is nothing wrong with that.
Have you decided that you don’t want to work with someone or that a project isn’t the right fit? Totally your choice, but take action and tell your potential partners what’s going on. There’s nothing worse than negotiating with someone only to all of the sudden not receive any responses. If you’ve gone with another option, that’s okay, but communicate and don’t burn your bridges.
By ghosting someone, you are showing that you:
- Don’t care enough or respect the other party enough to respond
- You lack professionalism
- You cannot take accountability for your decisions
Do you want to represent that in your career? Hopefully not. Try the touch it once rule-- it helps keep you on your best email grind.
What do you do if you’ve ghosted someone and want to fix it?
Responding late is better than never. It’s still rude to wait a long time to respond to someone, but if you have and want to remedy the situation, the best way to handle it is to take responsibility.
A great way to respond is something like this:
“Hi ___, So sorry for the delayed response. This email should have gotten out to you sooner. Unfortunately we’ve decided to go with another option, but we appreciate your hard work, and would love to keep in touch about future opportunities. Best of luck on your endeavors!”
This response shows contrition (or email guilt), gives you accountability for your actions, and lays out the situation clearly. All you can do is take responsibility, learn from your mistakes, and move forward. A simple email saying “Thank you, but we’re not interested at this time” or something of that nature takes seconds to craft, and shows the recipient that you care enough to take the time to respond. No one can hold it against you if you’ve gone a different direction as long as you’ve been clear with your communication.
______
Is one email response really worth ruining your reputation and potentially your career? Chime in below.
In the time it takes to write a quick email, you will be able to help your professional reputation, give someone piece of mind, and ensure that you’re not burning any bridges.
A native San Franciscan, Michele Lando is a Certified Professional Resume Writer and founder of writestylesonline.com. She has a passion for helping others present the best version of themselves, both on paper and in person, and works to polish individuals' application package and personal style. Aiming to help create a perfect personal branding package, Write Styles presents tips to enhance your resume, style, and boost your confidence.